1 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:31,199 At last the day dawned when I was happy with myself... 2 00:00:31,360 --> 00:00:32,839 ...and everything I did. 3 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:34,718 It was a hot evening... 4 00:00:34,880 --> 00:00:38,475 ...and I was lying in the park near my house... 5 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:45,512 ...with Max, a cute and toecurling guy. I was happy with myself and with us. 6 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:50,231 We did a test to find out what kind of woman I was. 7 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,072 I was the One. 8 00:00:52,240 --> 00:00:54,231 You're the One, Phileine! 9 00:00:54,400 --> 00:00:56,675 Okay, I admit it. I am. 10 00:00:57,720 --> 00:01:02,316 You're the sunshine of my life. To be happy, I need you. 11 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:06,235 I think you're sweet too. 12 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,629 I have something to tell you... 13 00:01:13,920 --> 00:01:16,514 I hate it when people say that! 14 00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:19,877 Here we go again, I think. Nothing ever stays the same. 15 00:01:20,040 --> 00:01:22,918 It's all doomed to decay. It always is. 16 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:28,191 Happiness is a warm gun. It can blast your head off at any moment. 17 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:34,992 I'm such a wimp. 18 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:37,239 Shut up, Phileine! 19 00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,432 Don't cry. He's just a boy! 20 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,118 Phileine says Sorry 21 00:03:09,280 --> 00:03:11,077 Phileine? 22 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,709 TWO MONTHS EARLIER 23 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,196 I've something to tell you. 24 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,473 I love you. 25 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,640 But? - But I have to go now. 26 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,760 I can't let my best friend down. 27 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,433 It's his birthday. Come along too. 28 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,031 You go. Don't think of me. 29 00:03:55,200 --> 00:03:57,634 Let me rot in my sickbed. 30 00:03:57,800 --> 00:04:01,156 As always, this story started with my generosity. 31 00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,198 Dying of fever, 98.7 degrees... 32 00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:09,434 ...I let Dylan, my Everything back then, go to his best friend's party. 33 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,909 He couldn't wait... - You're sure? 34 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:14,918 ...to leave me. 35 00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,788 My intuition rang alarm bells... 36 00:04:48,040 --> 00:04:50,679 ...so I decided to hit the party anyway. 37 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:58,436 I came late so Dylan would be drunk and satisfied... 38 00:04:58,600 --> 00:05:01,034 ...and it would be easier for me to beat him up. 39 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:03,953 Phileine! Cocksucker! 40 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,714 Party Pussy! - Fleur! Sperm Bag! 41 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:09,075 Everyone was wasted... 42 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:12,550 We want to fuck! ...apart from Dylan... 43 00:05:12,640 --> 00:05:14,915 He's not here? ...who wasn't there. 44 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,878 No, and he didn't even call! 45 00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,600 You're his girlfriend. Where is he? 46 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:25,959 Listen, Bogbrush, if you want to know ask him! I'm no babysitter. 47 00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:28,998 He's my best friend. - No kidding! 48 00:05:41,480 --> 00:05:45,109 See, he's home. - And he's not alone, either. 49 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,239 Don't do it, maniac! 50 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,591 I'm an angry young woman, so no one'll mind. 51 00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:09,550 It's post-adolescent hormonal aggression! Crime passionel! 52 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,358 Christ, she's just out of primary school!! 53 00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,398 Child porn!! 54 00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:55,195 What's all this? - We zapped you to Drenthe! 55 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,954 That's a province. You're lucky to be alive. 56 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,796 You're a province! 57 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,560 You're not funny. - You steal our jokes. 58 00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:08,358 Purile Platypus! 59 00:07:08,520 --> 00:07:12,115 Do you ever praise people? - We tolerate some. 60 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,071 Your looks don't matter. 61 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:27,597 Who cares if that's your head or a balloon. - We want your insights! 62 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,672 Your motivation... - Your moral values, etc. 63 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:34,628 We found out that hideously ugly people like you... 64 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:39,794 ...often think longer and deeper about the meaning of life than us. 65 00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:46,469 Can we expect a fascinating riposte? 66 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,835 D'you come here often? 67 00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:50,718 To birthday parties? 68 00:07:50,880 --> 00:07:55,795 I don't think you quite get it. You can compensate for your physical defects. 69 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,032 What d'you want? - Last chance... 70 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:03,239 What were you thinking before we came over? 71 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,434 Nothing really. 72 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:15,511 Sorry. - Oh God! 73 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:19,239 What did you say? - He really said it. 74 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,273 Sorry? 75 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:24,277 Filthy bastard! 76 00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:28,189 If you'd said anything else you could've fucked me tonight. 77 00:08:28,360 --> 00:08:29,588 Me too! - And even me. 78 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,593 We feel charitable. - And want to see your dick. 79 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:36,514 There's only one thing worse than an ugly bastard. 80 00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:40,912 What's that? - One without a sparkling personality. 81 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,233 Like you. 82 00:08:45,560 --> 00:08:49,872 Great, another poor boy's soul dashed. - Bitches... 83 00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:54,797 Phileine? Where's Phileine? - Where am I? 84 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:58,191 Where were you, claphead!? - Dylan, stop it! 85 00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:03,712 How 'bout a drink? 86 00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:29,948 I know he's your best friend... 87 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:33,590 ...but a good host would've beaten him up for me. 88 00:09:44,800 --> 00:09:48,270 Worst of all: I don't like singles. And now I'm one. 89 00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,193 Wild him! 90 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:00,796 What do they want? - I have to 'wild' you. 91 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:03,155 It's the opposite of 'tame'. 92 00:10:04,480 --> 00:10:07,552 Let's cut the crap. 93 00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:09,836 I feel like sex at first sight. 94 00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:13,151 This must be every boy's wet dream. 95 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,790 You don't have to... - Leave me be... 96 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,878 I just want to say that Dylan was a real prick. 97 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:23,998 You can't do things like that. - How sweet. 98 00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:25,479 But not now, okay? 99 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,560 PHILEINE WITH A HARD ON 100 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:22,316 Okay, I admit it. I am the One. 101 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:24,789 Never a dull moment. - Right. 102 00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:28,236 You're the sunshine of my life. Irreplaceable. 103 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:29,992 I think you're sweet too. 104 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,396 I have something to tell you. 105 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:43,400 I'm moving to New York for a year. 106 00:11:44,920 --> 00:11:46,797 A year? 107 00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,678 Yes. 108 00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,478 To New York? 109 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,391 That's a long time. 110 00:11:56,480 --> 00:12:01,600 It's a special project at drama school with just a few foreign students. 111 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:07,194 It's a once in a lifetime chance. I have to go. 112 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,510 All Shakespeare's plays... 113 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,319 ...with different guest directors... 114 00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:14,550 ...all really famous. 115 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:17,392 I don't like theatre. 116 00:12:17,560 --> 00:12:20,996 You're not the reason I want to study in New York. 117 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:23,913 That's just it, reptile face! Did you... 118 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:29,077 Did you think about me? 119 00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,589 I didn't think about anything else recently. 120 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:47,031 Oh God, another boy sobbing on my shoulder. 121 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:50,636 Can't these guys stop crying? 122 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:26,477 There we were... 123 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:31,998 ...two happy people losing each other, gddmn it! 124 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:49,910 Well that's that. Can we go now? 125 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:54,068 You girls want a ride to Utrecht? 126 00:13:58,000 --> 00:13:59,877 Bye, Max. 127 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,551 We'll take Fleur home. - You're home already?! 128 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:29,079 Bye... 129 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:07,397 Practicing safe sex, Mommy? - What's that, child? 130 00:15:10,800 --> 00:15:13,075 They must be yours. 131 00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:18,677 Last time I used a condom, dinosaurs still roamed the planet. 132 00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,913 So those condoms must belong to you and Daddy. Right, Mom? 133 00:15:26,640 --> 00:15:28,835 How about my allowance? 134 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:33,000 Only if you promise to use a condom... - When I fuck? 135 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,070 Yes, excuse your French. 136 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,190 She pays the rent, so thinks she has a right to a key. 137 00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:44,434 Officially to keep an eye on me. In reality, to adulterate with her lovers. 138 00:15:47,320 --> 00:15:48,958 My money, Mommy! 139 00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,719 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 140 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:05,991 And? How's Max? - Fine. He just left. 141 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:10,754 He seemed such a nice boy. - He went to New York, remember? 142 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:14,356 Shakespeare? - Yes, that was it. That's nice. 143 00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:18,077 I lose my one true love and you call that 'nice'? 144 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:19,793 He's your one true love? 145 00:16:23,960 --> 00:16:27,748 My daughter's in love. How touching. 146 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,273 I'm NOT in love! 147 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,311 Problem solved! 148 00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:40,112 I just want you to know there are two kinds of fidelity in a relationship... 149 00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:42,350 ...love fidelity and sex fidelity. 150 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:47,355 Your father gives me love, depth and peace... 151 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:54,039 ...and Antonio, Anand, Costas and Mustapha help me crease the sheets. 152 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:59,320 For those moments in life when the underbelly conquers the brains. 153 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,517 When euphoria, ecstasy, despair... 154 00:17:02,680 --> 00:17:04,113 See you soon! 155 00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:06,879 Bye dear. 156 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,319 Bye darling! 157 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:40,596 I don't like it when other people have sex. 158 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,638 I should be the only one to enjoy life. 159 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,472 THREE MONTHS LATER 160 00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,630 THE NEW CELIBATES 161 00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,872 Shut up with your childish sex noise! 162 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:25,634 Grow up. Lala! 163 00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:36,632 Listen. I flew all this way to see my Max, so don't get in my way. 164 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,315 Just say so. Ninth floor, last door. 165 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,519 Only joking. You can laugh. 166 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,148 You speak Dutch, don't you? 167 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:10,673 That was me. 168 00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:13,798 That's how I met Crotch Gobbelaer... 169 00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:16,918 ...ex-Miss Belgium sent to New York by her daddy... 170 00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:20,629 ...to study economics, marry and never have to work. 171 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:24,309 I can't shake hands... 172 00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:28,598 This is supposed to make your nails longer and healthier. 173 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:30,990 Thank you for sharing that! 174 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,948 It's one of the few things this four-eyed mule taught me. 175 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,758 Being inferior doesn't mean you're not dumb and ugly, girl! 176 00:20:55,160 --> 00:20:59,438 So you're a friend of Max? - I'm his girlfriend. 177 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,034 Does he know you're coming? - No. 178 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,838 I was afraid of that. 179 00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,393 Romeo! 180 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:32,673 Phileine? 181 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,551 I was in the neighborhood. 182 00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:41,873 Why didn't you call? - You're really pleased to see me! 183 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:45,191 All the truckers I sucked for the ticket! 184 00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,079 Bullshit. Your mother paid for it. 185 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,431 What if she hadn't? 186 00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:01,754 That would have been terrible, yes. 187 00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:15,071 You're still brains, beauty, beast, best... 188 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,992 I quite like you too. 189 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:26,956 Come and lie down beside me. 190 00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,474 Feelings are never hypocritical. 191 00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:37,752 I should be mad at his cool reception. 192 00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:42,158 But I feel like a deserted bitch on heat... 193 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,869 ...wagging her tail as soon as her boss comes in. 194 00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:56,639 Girl... 195 00:22:57,960 --> 00:22:59,313 I missed you. 196 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,789 I really missed you. 197 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,520 You have no idea how much I missed you. 198 00:23:05,680 --> 00:23:09,309 No, I really missed you. 199 00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,675 Great, we missed each other. 200 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,871 You know what I thought about on the plane? 201 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:20,238 No? - I thought: when I see Max... 202 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,436 ...I'll rip off his clothes... 203 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:26,354 ...I'll get his dick so hard he faints from anemia... 204 00:23:26,520 --> 00:23:29,637 ...I'll squeeze my labia round his loaded gun... 205 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:33,429 ...and cunt-suck him till he shoots me across the bed. 206 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,158 But I changed my mind. 207 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,197 It's nice to have a cuddle, though. 208 00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:52,555 I can't stand the word cuddle. 209 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:59,711 Maybe I don't feel like hard-core work sex. 210 00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,672 The ancient Chinese had a better term. 211 00:24:05,080 --> 00:24:06,433 Phileine... 212 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:11,790 ...let's make Rain and Wind together. I've been looking forward to it. 213 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,075 That's why I love Max so. 214 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:20,434 'Making Rain and Wind'. That gets me so excited, I don't care who knows. 215 00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:40,755 Shit, my party. 216 00:25:42,160 --> 00:25:45,072 Party? - For my acting class. 217 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:47,390 Consider it a welcome party. 218 00:26:19,640 --> 00:26:23,838 Apart from Crotch Gobbelaer and the Man with the Scratched Back... 219 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:27,993 ...I knew no one, so it was time to meet his roommates. 220 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:30,594 Apart from Jules... 221 00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:33,718 ...here in our cosy condo pondo... 222 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,155 ...we have Leonard. 223 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:40,518 You mean that excavated mummy? - He's a bit sick. 224 00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:44,511 What's he got? - A cold. He'll get over it. 225 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,514 Conspicuous by his absence... 226 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,398 ...was Reginald. 227 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:52,596 Who's Reginald? 228 00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:57,151 He's an Argentinian American of French-Canadian descent. 229 00:26:57,320 --> 00:26:59,072 A real Rimbaudian artist. 230 00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:05,349 An inspired thinker, a culture vulture, free of rusty ideas, addicted to the age. 231 00:27:05,560 --> 00:27:09,030 A wild theatre film music dance fashion maker... 232 00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:13,113 ...who surfs his versatile soul. - So he's ugly! 233 00:27:13,280 --> 00:27:15,953 No, he's my director. 234 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:20,512 Who's the Barbie doll? 235 00:27:20,680 --> 00:27:25,595 LT, it's a childish American habit to turn initials into an acronym. 236 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,478 LT is standby weatherman for CBS. 237 00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:33,634 But his big breakthrough is coming, he's claimed for eight years. 238 00:27:33,800 --> 00:27:37,793 And just when I thought I'd met all Max's New York crowd... 239 00:27:37,960 --> 00:27:39,518 Romeo! - She came in. 240 00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:41,033 Joanne! 241 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:44,749 Joanne, the standby weatherman's steady girlfriend. 242 00:27:50,160 --> 00:27:55,792 She thinks she's a great actress but can't hold a cucumber in a porn movie. 243 00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:03,678 Why are actors and actresses so awful? 244 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:11,872 Phileine, have you met Joanne? - No. 245 00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:26,118 So you're stagemates? 246 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:29,352 It's Shakespeare! - Great. What play? 247 00:29:16,120 --> 00:29:17,997 What's the matter? 248 00:29:18,160 --> 00:29:19,593 Good question. 249 00:29:20,640 --> 00:29:23,871 Tired, jetlagged, groggy, drunk. 250 00:29:25,040 --> 00:29:26,393 Just leave me be. 251 00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:39,989 You have something to tell me? 252 00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:42,799 No... 253 00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:49,270 I have nothing to tell you. 254 00:29:49,440 --> 00:29:51,078 But? 255 00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:53,959 I have to get back to my guests. 256 00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:57,954 Hello New York! I came, I saw, I came... 257 00:29:58,120 --> 00:29:59,872 ...and fell asleep. 258 00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:16,349 Phileine, shall we go out for lunch? 259 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:32,710 Despite being a social animal, a gnu... 260 00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:36,429 ...my intuition told me I was needed elsewhere. 261 00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:12,558 Hey, Party Pussy! 262 00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:14,870 Phileine! Great! 263 00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:17,349 Quiet, they're rehearsing. 264 00:33:17,520 --> 00:33:22,150 What are you doing here? - I came with Christian. 265 00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:24,390 How come? 266 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:28,473 He's making a documentary about Max. It's going great! 267 00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:33,958 I'm so glad... 268 00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:36,680 ...that Max invited you after all. 269 00:33:56,840 --> 00:34:02,233 I wondered why you invited Lala and not me, but I guess this is your answer! 270 00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:06,393 It's not what you think, Phileine. We're only... Christ! 271 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:08,278 What's this? - Rehearsing. 272 00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:11,637 Still don't know your lines, dyslectic lapdogs? 273 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,279 Some other time? - No. 274 00:34:13,800 --> 00:34:16,872 You try to keep your one true love at a distance. 275 00:34:17,040 --> 00:34:21,318 But invite half Utrecht to drool over your new-found love on stage! 276 00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,074 What am I to think? Good question, eh? 277 00:34:26,720 --> 00:34:30,838 Phileine, go home. Really, please! I'll see you tonight. 278 00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:43,274 You're even uglier, paler, smaller and punier than I expected. 279 00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:49,149 Give me drama, Max! 280 00:34:56,000 --> 00:35:00,039 He can direct your acting, not your life! - Acting is my life! 281 00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:21,835 Cheer up! I found a blonde bosom buddy. So enjoy! 282 00:35:26,040 --> 00:35:29,157 What else can a girl do with a play actor friend? 283 00:35:41,720 --> 00:35:44,632 See those horny eyes squirting at us! 284 00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:48,717 Oh them: the illustrious duo Fuck and Suck. 285 00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:54,432 I see them here all the time. - Jerking off under the table. 286 00:35:54,600 --> 00:35:57,990 Fuck is quite something. - No, that's Suck. 287 00:35:58,160 --> 00:36:01,470 He licks his top lip as he laughs, you just watch. 288 00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:09,799 Watching them, I know we're better off as girls. 289 00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:13,032 Us women can always jazz it. That's the difference. 290 00:36:13,200 --> 00:36:15,998 Jazz it? - Jazz, fuck, shag. 291 00:36:17,240 --> 00:36:22,030 My aberration, dear Kitty, is that I love discussing sex with girlfriends. 292 00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:23,599 Preferably vulgar. 293 00:36:23,760 --> 00:36:28,709 I love girls talking about jazzing, trouser snakes and poking the fire... 294 00:36:28,880 --> 00:36:31,758 I'll have to learn to live with it. - Crotch? 295 00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,917 Did you notice anything about Max and Joanne? 296 00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:40,675 Apart from him fucking her blind, no. What d'you mean? 297 00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:43,718 You think he's cheating on you? - I only asked. 298 00:36:46,240 --> 00:36:48,549 He's always rehearsing. 299 00:36:50,120 --> 00:36:53,669 You haven't caught him switch-bitching? 300 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:55,990 Never felt the urge? 301 00:36:57,120 --> 00:36:58,997 With Max? 302 00:37:01,120 --> 00:37:02,997 Oh God, a pass... 303 00:37:13,920 --> 00:37:15,751 Very good. Now get lost. 304 00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,193 Yes, we just happen to be wonderful. 305 00:38:49,480 --> 00:38:53,678 Crotch and I are inseparable, but she had classes uptown... 306 00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:57,037 ...so I could focus on more important things. 307 00:40:11,560 --> 00:40:15,155 Also present, is Romeo's girlfriend. How do you feel? 308 00:40:21,040 --> 00:40:23,235 A good way to ruin my career! 309 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:26,119 Did I see an erection? - My future's at stake! 310 00:40:26,320 --> 00:40:27,639 I saw it. - It wasn't me! 311 00:40:27,800 --> 00:40:29,279 Who was it? - Romeo. 312 00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:33,353 So Romeo had an erection?! - Yes. If you cared about my work... 313 00:40:33,520 --> 00:40:37,832 ...you'd know that my body is my tool. It's all I have! 314 00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:53,390 Why didn't you just tell me what you were up to? 315 00:40:53,560 --> 00:40:55,596 I wanted to... 316 00:40:55,760 --> 00:41:00,788 ...but Reginald said it'd be more shocking and exciting if I didn't. 317 00:41:02,320 --> 00:41:07,235 So you fingered her pussy just to shock and excite me? 318 00:41:08,080 --> 00:41:09,593 Yes. 319 00:41:10,600 --> 00:41:13,478 I really don't understand this world. 320 00:41:14,520 --> 00:41:16,112 It's all fiction... 321 00:41:17,280 --> 00:41:18,793 Fiction... 322 00:41:18,960 --> 00:41:20,837 Nothing but fiction. 323 00:41:22,360 --> 00:41:24,510 What do you make of this? 324 00:41:28,800 --> 00:41:32,873 Quarrelling is nice, but so is making up. 325 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:37,955 Amazing, it still works. Or is that fiction too? 326 00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:45,593 Phileine... 327 00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:52,354 Can't I blow your peace-pipe? - I'm a bit fed up with sex. 328 00:41:53,400 --> 00:41:55,630 Can't we just have a cuddle? 329 00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:03,359 Suddenly the word cuddle doesn't sound so dumb. 330 00:42:05,040 --> 00:42:09,511 I'm glad you took it so well in the end. - Me too... 331 00:42:09,680 --> 00:42:13,229 I'll feel a lot better tomorrow knowing you've accepted it. 332 00:42:13,400 --> 00:42:14,753 Tomorrow? 333 00:42:15,600 --> 00:42:17,238 Yes. At the première. 334 00:42:18,240 --> 00:42:19,719 Of what? 335 00:42:20,560 --> 00:42:22,039 Didn't I tell you? 336 00:42:23,720 --> 00:42:25,073 No. 337 00:42:27,880 --> 00:42:29,836 Tomorrow's the première. 338 00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:33,959 We open the Shakespeare Festival. Everyone's coming. 339 00:42:38,560 --> 00:42:41,074 I thought I told you. - No, Max. 340 00:42:41,240 --> 00:42:42,912 You didn't tell me! 341 00:42:46,720 --> 00:42:48,073 Sorry... 342 00:42:48,520 --> 00:42:50,988 As I said, feelings are never hypocritical. 343 00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:56,512 Phileine, how should I put it. She was a She Devil. 344 00:42:56,600 --> 00:42:59,114 A ravishing chick. 345 00:43:01,360 --> 00:43:06,388 I remember she punched her former boyfriend Max on the nose in New York. 346 00:43:06,560 --> 00:43:08,118 Phileine was like that. 347 00:43:10,680 --> 00:43:14,389 She was so upset, she punched me on the nose. 348 00:43:14,880 --> 00:43:16,233 Bulls eye! 349 00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:21,155 I never understood the relationship between Phileine and Max. 350 00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:25,595 In the hospital, they used tampons to stop the bleeding. 351 00:43:25,760 --> 00:43:29,878 Basically Phileine was her own worst enemy. 352 00:43:30,040 --> 00:43:32,474 She was hard on herself. 353 00:43:32,640 --> 00:43:35,518 We made up in the hospital room. 354 00:43:36,840 --> 00:43:39,798 She said, while the doctor was at work: - 355 00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:42,958 'Max, life is a nose... 356 00:43:43,120 --> 00:43:46,271 'You have to squeeze out all you can.' 357 00:43:46,440 --> 00:43:48,476 That gave us the giggles. 358 00:43:51,040 --> 00:43:54,032 Phileine was the funniest girlfriend I ever had. 359 00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:56,991 At least, she thought so. 360 00:44:01,880 --> 00:44:03,393 She thought so? 361 00:44:10,280 --> 00:44:12,157 How's your nose? 362 00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:27,790 Shouldn't you say something? - What? 363 00:44:27,960 --> 00:44:30,269 How about Sorry? 364 00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:34,115 Sorry I hit you so hard you can't perform tonight. 365 00:44:36,840 --> 00:44:41,197 You never say Sorry, do you? Never admit your mistake. 366 00:44:41,360 --> 00:44:43,635 It's always someone else. 367 00:44:44,840 --> 00:44:49,152 I've had enough of you. - Impossible. I never gave you anything! 368 00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:51,879 Give me my coat. 369 00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:56,795 Sit down. Come on. - No! I can't be late for Reginald. 370 00:44:56,960 --> 00:45:00,157 We were so bad, we have a penal rehearsal. 371 00:45:00,320 --> 00:45:03,118 We didn't go far enough. - Not far enough?! 372 00:45:03,280 --> 00:45:05,919 Because you upset Joanne so much. - Good! 373 00:45:06,080 --> 00:45:08,753 She's so insecure! - It's her boring tits! 374 00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:10,672 Shut up! 375 00:45:12,400 --> 00:45:15,278 I've no sympathy for your soulmate. 376 00:45:19,360 --> 00:45:23,399 Phileine thinks she can get away with anything! 377 00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:25,198 Kiss! 378 00:45:31,120 --> 00:45:32,997 Where have you been? 379 00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:06,511 Jules isn't a man, is she? 380 00:46:55,840 --> 00:46:57,796 Hello. - Isn't Lala here? 381 00:46:57,960 --> 00:46:59,871 She's having a shower. 382 00:47:02,360 --> 00:47:04,351 In the hall. 383 00:47:07,800 --> 00:47:11,110 Very quaint, a slum hotel. 384 00:47:38,080 --> 00:47:40,355 How did you like the rehearsal? 385 00:47:41,400 --> 00:47:44,551 Must be difficult shooting all those dicks? 386 00:47:47,920 --> 00:47:50,957 We don't have to talk, Phileine. 387 00:47:54,280 --> 00:47:56,555 Darling. - Sperm Bag! 388 00:47:58,880 --> 00:48:01,110 What brought you here? 389 00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:04,750 A taxi. I was talking to Christian and wondered... 390 00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:07,798 ...why he wasn't at today's penal rehearsal. 391 00:48:07,960 --> 00:48:12,351 Reginald and I weren't impressed. - Why didn't you tell me? 392 00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:14,988 You didn't want to talk, Christian! 393 00:48:15,160 --> 00:48:17,515 Sorry, sugar. I have to go. 394 00:48:21,360 --> 00:48:23,510 Shall we go out for dinner? 395 00:48:23,680 --> 00:48:26,478 Or we'll have nothing to puke at the première. 396 00:48:26,640 --> 00:48:29,438 I don't know. We have to cut back. 397 00:48:29,600 --> 00:48:31,079 Yes, so I see. 398 00:48:32,080 --> 00:48:35,675 We hope to buy an apartment together. 399 00:48:38,760 --> 00:48:44,437 After three months you're tying the knot with this quasi-artistic Christian? 400 00:48:44,600 --> 00:48:47,398 ...I'd say, if I didn't know I shouldn't. 401 00:48:48,280 --> 00:48:50,157 Nice... 402 00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:53,076 Why are you here? 403 00:48:54,120 --> 00:48:57,874 I suddenly realised we haven't seen each other that much. 404 00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:02,117 I see you in New York more often than in Utrecht. 405 00:49:02,280 --> 00:49:06,398 I wanted to get to know Christian a bit. That took time. 406 00:49:08,800 --> 00:49:11,792 Now that you know him a bit... 407 00:49:11,960 --> 00:49:15,669 ...can we spend some time together? 408 00:49:15,840 --> 00:49:17,910 I miss you... 409 00:49:20,120 --> 00:49:21,792 ...a bit. 410 00:49:28,480 --> 00:49:30,391 You know, Phileine... 411 00:49:34,560 --> 00:49:37,950 Friendship is a bond but... 412 00:49:38,120 --> 00:49:41,271 ...love is a bond too. 413 00:49:42,320 --> 00:49:46,871 Genetically, I can only maintain one bond at the time and... 414 00:49:50,520 --> 00:49:52,954 ...love is a stronger bond. 415 00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:20,993 Lesson one: Never show your feelings. 416 00:50:50,520 --> 00:50:52,556 There's always something. 417 00:50:59,320 --> 00:51:02,118 I feel like cuddling this rhesus monkey. 418 00:51:46,200 --> 00:51:49,829 Fortunately there's always the Flemish party bitch... 419 00:51:50,800 --> 00:51:52,279 ...the Crotch! 420 00:52:04,800 --> 00:52:06,552 How do you suck cock? 421 00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:11,513 Do you rotate your tongue? - I think so. 422 00:52:11,680 --> 00:52:13,318 Not a good idea. 423 00:52:14,160 --> 00:52:16,720 I was giving a guy head... 424 00:52:16,880 --> 00:52:19,030 ...and then I decided to go mad. 425 00:52:19,200 --> 00:52:22,954 I spun my tongue on his dick, sure he'd love it. 426 00:52:23,120 --> 00:52:26,749 But he asked what on earth I was doing. 427 00:52:26,920 --> 00:52:28,751 I said: I'm sucking you! 428 00:52:28,920 --> 00:52:33,311 He said the essence of fellatio was making the mouth like a twat... 429 00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:36,790 Twat? - Pussy. Does a pussy have a tongue? 430 00:52:36,960 --> 00:52:38,678 No. - No. 431 00:52:38,840 --> 00:52:40,353 Damn. You have a point. 432 00:52:40,520 --> 00:52:43,637 So all a girl has to say is the word 'holy'... 433 00:52:43,800 --> 00:52:49,352 ...and then press her tongue and palate against his dick and move up and down. 434 00:52:51,040 --> 00:52:53,349 Holy. - No... 435 00:52:54,680 --> 00:52:57,399 Ho-ly. - Holy... 436 00:53:01,920 --> 00:53:04,070 Shit! - Fuck. Or Suck? 437 00:53:08,040 --> 00:53:11,510 I banged Suck last night. 438 00:53:11,680 --> 00:53:13,910 My vagina is aggressively active. 439 00:53:14,080 --> 00:53:16,310 You can say that again! 440 00:53:22,280 --> 00:53:24,316 Fuck a duck. What a twat. 441 00:53:24,480 --> 00:53:28,029 He has to show his friends he bonked me. Show off! 442 00:53:28,200 --> 00:53:31,158 Anyway, he asked for it. 443 00:54:16,240 --> 00:54:18,959 Lesson one: never reveal your intentions! 444 00:54:27,800 --> 00:54:30,519 Great! Rejected by civilisation! 445 00:54:30,680 --> 00:54:33,558 Just like two bag ladies! But more attractive! 446 00:54:33,720 --> 00:54:36,951 Where were we? - Playing Holy with the Moly. 447 00:54:37,120 --> 00:54:38,872 And don't forget it. 448 00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:43,680 What's this? - Off to the première. 449 00:55:18,320 --> 00:55:21,676 When I go to theatre, I remember why I hate people. 450 00:55:44,320 --> 00:55:46,595 Joanne, the terrible Bearded Clam? 451 00:55:48,800 --> 00:55:51,439 ...of her blow jobs, 'cos she can't act. 452 00:55:54,280 --> 00:55:57,670 This is a good moment to take a break for our sponsor. 453 00:55:58,120 --> 00:56:03,990 (The Author:) Usually the novel's better than the film, but this time... 454 00:56:04,160 --> 00:56:06,355 ...the film's much better! 455 00:56:08,120 --> 00:56:09,473 Thanks, Ronald. 456 00:56:10,240 --> 00:56:13,118 Does LT have anything important to say? 457 00:56:23,360 --> 00:56:27,876 Some people do anything to show off their social ignorance. 458 00:57:36,800 --> 00:57:39,553 Feelings are never hypocritical. 459 00:58:41,280 --> 00:58:43,475 I'll hold you down! 460 00:58:52,000 --> 00:58:53,911 Don't you have any lines? 461 00:59:42,880 --> 00:59:44,598 That's quite enough! 462 00:59:44,760 --> 00:59:47,832 That's enough, you telescopic twit. 463 00:59:48,000 --> 00:59:51,595 You think you can get away with anything! You thought: - 464 00:59:51,760 --> 00:59:55,639 I'll fuck her! I'll act that I'm fucking her! 465 00:59:55,800 --> 00:59:58,633 Is that which you thought? Forget it, flab. 466 01:00:06,280 --> 01:00:09,317 Have you gone crazy? Sit down, you silly cow. 467 01:00:12,720 --> 01:00:16,269 It's a play. I just explained. You look foolish. 468 01:00:31,240 --> 01:00:32,798 You ruin everything! 469 01:00:35,680 --> 01:00:37,238 I'll never forgive you. 470 01:00:53,880 --> 01:00:56,917 I can't take any more of your pseudo-artistic sex crap! 471 01:00:57,080 --> 01:00:59,275 What you're doing is terrible! 472 01:01:00,320 --> 01:01:03,357 If you think you can get away with... 473 01:01:10,360 --> 01:01:15,036 I won't sit down out there, Max. Come with me and we'll forget it... 474 01:01:15,200 --> 01:01:18,670 ...or play your role and you'll never see me again. 475 01:01:22,360 --> 01:01:24,999 I mean it, Max. Now! 476 01:01:33,520 --> 01:01:35,511 He'll come. Wanna bet? 477 01:01:35,680 --> 01:01:38,035 Maybe he can't find his underwear? 478 01:01:44,600 --> 01:01:47,637 Shit! Okay, he asked for it. 479 01:02:28,160 --> 01:02:30,071 Come with me. 480 01:02:48,640 --> 01:02:50,596 If you do it, do it right! 481 01:03:11,360 --> 01:03:15,831 The Manhattan Waterfront is more breathtaking than Dutch dikes. 482 01:03:15,920 --> 01:03:18,388 And his hair is improving. 483 01:03:35,880 --> 01:03:37,757 Thank goodness for that. 484 01:07:00,440 --> 01:07:05,230 Says the girl who used to fuck one guy after another. 485 01:07:58,000 --> 01:08:00,673 Can't these guys stop crying? 486 01:08:05,680 --> 01:08:07,318 I'm on to you, buddy. 487 01:08:09,320 --> 01:08:10,912 No way, flab. 488 01:08:31,760 --> 01:08:33,910 Why don't people like me? 489 01:11:34,560 --> 01:11:37,358 It's the loneliness, Mom, the emptiness. 490 01:11:37,520 --> 01:11:40,478 It's the chatter and gossip... 491 01:11:40,640 --> 01:11:47,910 ...and we bob along from crap to useless, via twisted to conceited... 492 01:11:48,720 --> 01:11:50,472 ...and vice versa. 493 01:11:50,640 --> 01:11:53,359 Why did I lose Max? 494 01:11:53,520 --> 01:11:55,397 Why do things pass by? 495 01:12:02,840 --> 01:12:07,436 It's Lottie, in Phileine's house. - It's Phileine, in Mrs Waldorf's house. 496 01:12:07,600 --> 01:12:10,239 Soiling my sheets with your sneaky fuckers? 497 01:12:10,400 --> 01:12:13,039 If you phoned to insult me... 498 01:12:13,200 --> 01:12:16,636 I fucked up, Mom. - That's nice. 499 01:12:16,800 --> 01:12:19,633 Not fucked, fucked up! 500 01:12:20,480 --> 01:12:22,994 Max wasn't that special. 501 01:12:24,280 --> 01:12:28,034 Are you really at the Waldorf? - Yes. 502 01:12:28,200 --> 01:12:31,510 How can you afford it? What did you have to do? 503 01:12:31,680 --> 01:12:35,036 I said Max was history and you talk money? 504 01:12:35,200 --> 01:12:39,591 I just wondered how you could afford such an expensive hotel room? 505 01:12:39,760 --> 01:12:42,718 I made a big mistake, Mom. - Oh no... 506 01:12:43,880 --> 01:12:45,632 What did you do? 507 01:12:45,800 --> 01:12:48,234 I listened to you too much. 508 01:13:19,600 --> 01:13:23,832 You're a baffled baboon and I'm finished with you. 509 01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:25,877 I don't believe you. 510 01:13:31,360 --> 01:13:34,432 Come on. I want to talk to you. - Go ahead... 511 01:13:34,600 --> 01:13:39,435 Not here. This is fake. - You're an actor. You love fake. 512 01:13:41,120 --> 01:13:44,157 Okay, you asked for it. 513 01:13:45,000 --> 01:13:46,797 Max, let go! 514 01:13:46,960 --> 01:13:48,632 Put me down! 515 01:13:48,800 --> 01:13:50,836 Christ, Max! Down! 516 01:13:51,000 --> 01:13:53,275 Heyleggobastardmax! 517 01:13:56,200 --> 01:13:57,679 Put me down! 518 01:14:00,440 --> 01:14:02,556 What are you up to? 519 01:14:02,720 --> 01:14:05,359 Can't you see? I'm taking you with me. 520 01:14:06,480 --> 01:14:08,869 I've had enough. Keep quiet... 521 01:14:09,040 --> 01:14:12,635 ...we'll forget what happened and all's back to normal. 522 01:14:12,800 --> 01:14:16,475 I was stupid to be so secretive. I should have warned you. 523 01:14:16,640 --> 01:14:19,712 Next time I'll just invite you... 524 01:14:19,880 --> 01:14:22,633 ...so you can say you don't like theatre... 525 01:14:22,800 --> 01:14:26,634 ...and you don't want to come. Enough is enough! 526 01:16:02,360 --> 01:16:04,351 It's for you. 527 01:16:09,920 --> 01:16:12,514 But first tell me... 528 01:16:16,360 --> 01:16:18,191 Love you too? 529 01:16:22,200 --> 01:16:25,556 You're brains, beauty, beast, best too? 530 01:16:25,720 --> 01:16:27,756 You have something to say? 531 01:16:32,440 --> 01:16:33,873 - No! 532 01:16:36,480 --> 01:16:38,277 Are you sure? 533 01:16:39,320 --> 01:16:41,675 What should I tell you? 534 01:16:45,040 --> 01:16:48,396 You're sure? - What? 535 01:16:52,560 --> 01:16:53,913 What? 536 01:16:57,640 --> 01:17:00,473 At least I gave you a chance! 537 01:17:03,120 --> 01:17:06,954 Max? Come on. - Get lost, Phileine. 538 01:17:07,120 --> 01:17:10,078 Go back to Utrecht! 539 01:18:44,840 --> 01:18:46,432 Cocksucker! 540 01:18:46,600 --> 01:18:49,194 Christ, all the men are gay! 541 01:18:50,960 --> 01:18:55,476 Weren't you going home today? - Christian went home. I didn't. 542 01:18:55,640 --> 01:19:01,237 And you know what? I'm happy. I'm happy to be myself again. 543 01:19:01,400 --> 01:19:05,439 So happy... But I need a drink. 544 01:19:07,480 --> 01:19:09,198 Where's Max? 545 01:19:38,280 --> 01:19:39,952 What d'you want? 546 01:19:43,040 --> 01:19:45,156 I should feel sorry for you? 547 01:19:46,400 --> 01:19:49,756 I'm here, aren't I? Isn't that enough? 548 01:19:50,600 --> 01:19:53,672 No, it's not enough. 549 01:19:53,840 --> 01:19:56,673 Since you came, you've only been trouble. 550 01:20:36,280 --> 01:20:38,748 You mean that excavated mummy? 551 01:20:46,280 --> 01:20:49,716 What's he got? - A cold, that's all... 552 01:20:55,280 --> 01:20:57,794 Crotch, does Leonard have AIDS? 553 01:21:02,960 --> 01:21:05,997 These things happen. Life sucks. 554 01:21:06,160 --> 01:21:07,832 What else is new? 555 01:21:08,160 --> 01:21:13,837 You're a real bitch, a hard, insensitive, selfish ultra-bitch. 556 01:21:16,760 --> 01:21:18,557 You know what I wonder? 557 01:21:18,720 --> 01:21:22,269 What kind of parents call a girl Crotch? 558 01:21:22,440 --> 01:21:24,795 I'd really love to meet them. 559 01:21:24,960 --> 01:21:27,872 Phileine, don't be so melodramatic! 560 01:22:48,720 --> 01:22:52,793 Stay here, Romeo. - We're not done with you. 561 01:22:53,440 --> 01:22:58,992 Max, can you hear me? I've been a cynical, insensitive bitch. 562 01:22:59,160 --> 01:23:00,593 I want to say it! 563 01:23:00,760 --> 01:23:02,478 Hey Phileine! - Never mind! 564 01:23:02,640 --> 01:23:04,710 Can you hear me Max? 565 01:23:08,520 --> 01:23:10,033 It's only Phileine! 566 01:23:10,200 --> 01:23:13,636 Sorry, Max. Sorry! 567 01:23:28,880 --> 01:23:31,075 I said Sorry, Max. You heard? 568 01:23:33,520 --> 01:23:34,999 Sorry... 569 01:23:36,520 --> 01:23:38,431 What did you say? - Sorry. 570 01:23:43,760 --> 01:23:45,512 Sorry for Living. 571 01:24:18,320 --> 01:24:19,958 Love you too! 572 01:25:35,240 --> 01:25:37,231 Did you say Sorry, Phileine? 573 01:25:39,400 --> 01:25:40,799 You crazy bitch! 574 01:29:42,200 --> 01:29:46,079 Subtitles: Martin Cleaver